“It’s funny how that old familiar feeling we so easily slip back into isn’t always a good one. Comfort doesn’t necessarily mean safety, or positivity, or health-it’s just easy.”
Usually when someone thinks of a familiar feeling, they’re stuck in the middle of a country love song. Arms being wrapped around you, sweet feelings of romance blah blah blah. Normally I love these songs. Not so much lately. MY old familiar feeling is darker than that. It’s sadder than that. It certainly seems to be doing more damage. My poor kids. How awful to realize your quiet demon is hurting your babies. The slow detachment from your life-and the things you love the most-is suddenly brought into focus in yet another harsh moment when you could have used kindness, but instead got mad. I never wanted to be a “yeller”. I didn’t want to be a crier either. But I spend more nights than is comfortably admitted drowning out my sobs while the bath water runs and when the tub is full crying so hard no air comes out. this is no life for me. For anyone. I want more. I have been responsible for a good portion of the deterioration of my marriage, the reactions in my children, and I am fully responsible for my physical well being and the lack of care for it.
Tomorrow I’m asking for help. Again. But they will listen this time. I will make myself heard. I want to be better more than I want this black hole I’m in. The tug of war going on inside me is exhausting.
One of the smartest women i know once posted something about how you should never assume the smile you see isn’t hiding a battle going on inside. You don’t know what’s going on behind people’s eyes. We are masters of our disguises. Please find some compassion for the person on the street who greets you, and says hello or smiles and nods your way. It could have taken a lot of effort, and you could be the one who shows them there is life on this planet after all.
My mom had cancer and an episode I had this weekend that ended me in the ER rings eerily true to hers. Off I go tomorrow to rule out what my family is so scared of. I know I don’t have a brain tumor. I just need to prove to them. History won’t repeat here. Not in my body-not in my life.
Mum's the word 