oops.

oh my I haven’t been here in awhile. mostly because things have not been going so well here and I didn’t want to be the one who bitches and moans. that’s not me. I hope I’m not.
once we got over that last health issue of migraines and infections I felt that maybe I was losing a big of progress in working on ‘me’ and that maybe I needed more talk therapy, maybe more medicine, but then I challenged myself to find coping strategies and ways to manage and process my issues, as well as communicate to my support people. I’m proud of that.
then it was calm.
for a while.
I started having pain, gallactorhea, discomfort and the scary lumps in my breasts. I’ve had blood tests and ultrasounds and visits to rule out the scary stuff and results day is two days away.
it never bloody ends!!!!
I’m back to work and its a really nice distraction. I don’t want to dwell on stuff that isn’t even going to happen.
thank god golf season is back. I needed that.

The power of giving

I was at work last night, a wedding, serving into the wee hours, and one of the teen girls working with me kept commenting on my watch. Flattered, I said thank you. But she kept saying it! I mean, it’s a nine dollar watch from Wally-World. Nothing sentimental about it.
So I gave it to her.
She spent the following few hours either asking me “for real?” Or pointing at me from whatever dishpit she was standing gesturing to it with a confused look on her face.
Has no one ever just given her something? I’m actually kind of sad for her! I’m always griping about how entitled kids are these days and she just could not comprehend that I had given her something.
Do we just not do that kind of thing anymore? My husband and I have always been the shirt-off-your-back kind of people, but that’s not something we brag about. It just is. It’s the way it should be. That girl was so happy for something so relatively trivial.
I challenge you to give more.

I’ve got Santa’s email address

I just did it. I said “A****, Santa is watching and he’s making notes about whether you are good or bad.”
“How mommy?” He asks.
“He emails me. It’s a lot of magic, and a little email”

This is why I had kids. It’s what I knew in the core of my being before I was ever old enough to really consider having children. I was put on this earth to be their mama. I love this job!! I don’t like all the extras that seem to bog me down, like running a household, working on a marriage every G** D*** day but in a brief (and I mean brief) moment of clarity the scales balance out for me.
These two beautiful beings, with their quirks and idiosyncrasies and mind boggling questions, are the reason I breathe. They are the simple explanation as to why I didn’t drive my car into a tree three months ago in a moment of “I just can’t do this anymore”. How can you NOT do everything in your power to make yourself the best possible parent to these wonderful little monsters?
They don’t cringe anymore. I think I’m making progress. I was scared of my dad and I saw the same thing happening at home and it drove me to reach out and fix what is broken.
I just didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be. But that’s ok!! I like a challenge.
I had a chat with dear old hubby last night. After much discussion, he is back in my good books and thankfully not moving out, and going to go see someone with me. We want to learn how to resolve conflict better. I feel empowered again. If only because the delicate balance of my life is where it needs to be for now.
Today I’m back to the grind. Being active again has been wonderful. I’m ramping it up again this week to move past a plateau I’ve hit.
Spin class this morning, Pilates tonight, Latin groove tomorrow, spin/Pilates Thursday, and a treadmill/bike session on Friday evening. Saturday will be a rest day.
I’ve decided to cut out eating after supper and no booze during the week.
Time to refocus and get my brain on straight and life back in order. Christmas will not suck this year!!!!!

Have a good day!